Conflict Styles

So, let's just pretend for a second that you're in a group that isn't getting along very well. You're starting to get closer and closer to a huge fight, and your basic reaction is just like...

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WELL DON'T WORRY BECAUSE WE CAN HELP WITH THAT!!!!!

I now proudly present: The three basic steps that you'll need if you want to understand how you deal with conflict and come to the most positive solution possible!

STEP ONE: Find your conflict style!!

Take this quiz to get a basic idea of what your automatic reaction to conflict is!

STEP TWO: Learn what those conflict styles actually mean IRL!!

AVOIDING: Low Assertiveness, Low Cooperation

    ALYSSA: From my personal experience, I tend to deal with conflict by avoiding the situation. This is not a healthy way to go about dealing with conflict. I recall one time I used this strategy; it was 2 years ago with my college roommate who also happens to be my best friend since 2nd grade. 

   To this day I cannot recall exactly what the conflict was about but it started with us yelling at each other back and forth. Hurtful things were said in the heat of the moment. I wish I could say that the conflict was worked out in one day, however after the night of yelling at each other we didn’t talk to each other for 3 days.

   In this situation I wasn’t the only one using the avoiding strategy here, she was also doing the same thing. So try to imagine living in a dorm room with 4 people, and 2 of them aren’t speaking. It was very awkward for a few days. After a couple days I decided to apologize and then she did to. We worked it out and as a result haven’t had any fights since then. Even though we ended up working out our conflict, I don’t believe we went about it in the right way. If I hadn’t used the avoiding strategy we could of solved our conflict a lot sooner than we had.

ACCOMODATING: Low Assertiveness, High Cooperation

   KIYA: Me and one of my roommates are always getting into some type of mini conflict. For example, the other day we had a minor argument over some A1 sauce.  We were at the grocery store when this happened. She asked me, “Do we have any A1 sauce?” I told her, “Yes!” She looked at me with a strange face and said, “No we don’t!” And I said, “Yes we do!” She shook her head no. I was in disbelief that she still didn’t think I was right, but I let it go and let her think that she was right. So, by me letting her believe that she was right , I lost. This is accommodating, or giving in to the other person. Often it happens when people try to avoid conflict. It’s like putting a band-aid over a gaping wound. It looks better, but it doesn’t actually do anything to solve the problem.

COMPROMISING: Medium Assertiveness, Medium Cooperation

   JUSTIN: Everything doesn’t always go our way; those who possess the compromising conflict style understand this notion. The compromising style can be defined as “attempting to resolve a conflict by identifying a solution that is partially satisfactory to both parties, but completely satisfying to neither side.” You win some, you lose some, take a little, and give a little. If you act under the compromising conflict style, you have a balance in assertiveness and collaboration. You know how to get what you need, even if it requires a bit of sacrifice. This conflict style is primarily useful when both sides are powerful and have a willingness to negotiate, or they both have some desire to maintain the relationship well into the future.

To prevent future headache due to compromising, one should try to….

* Not too give away too much. Sacrifice is only useful when it helps accomplish the end goal. 

Giving in to the other person leads to accommodating. 

* Not to give away something that you need. Be aware of what is necessary for you, and what is expendable. Don’t get in big fights over little issues.

* Give away things that have high value to the other party but low value to you. Try to find a solution where every person gives the least and gains the most.

* Understand that it’s a process. Each person may begin with extreme suggestions that need to be altered.

* Don’t pull away so far away from the other person that you’ll regret it down the road

COMPETITION: High Assertiveness, Low Cooperation

      MIDGE: It was the week of finals. Tensions were high, emotions were running rampant and Sweeney room 419 was no exception. My roommate (we’ll call her Beyoncé for privacy’s sake) was sitting at her desk, having a conversation with her boyfriend, Jay Z, about the weather.

   “It’s pouring snow,” she said, “I can’t see anything when I drive.”

   “Snow can’t pour, “ Jay Z said. “It’s not a liquid.”

   “Yes it is,” Beyoncé said, shooting him disdainful look. “Snow is water, so it has to pour.”

And then I, in my infinite knowledge, decided to insert a comment into the conversation.

   “Jay Z’s actually right,” I said, not knowing the adverse effect my words would have. “Snow is water in solid form, so it can fall but not pour. Rain is the liquid form of snow, so it can pour.”

   And that’s when all hell broke loose. 

   You see, Beyoncé is the type of person who always needs to be right. Because of that, she was going to fight until the I gave up. She didn’t care what the facts said; even when we Googled the answer she refused to give up. The dispute ended with Beyoncé not talking to me for the rest of the week because she was angry I didn’t give in.

   This is a perfect example of a competing conflict style. It’s irrational, and doesn’t allow for any concession. Through the whole discussion, Beyoncé and I were both competing, not only trying to prove we were right, but that the other person was wrong. When two people are both using the competing style and refuse to give in, no one wins. It results in prolonged tensions and pretty awkward situations when you’re living together. When a competing person has a dispute with an avoider or accommodater, they get their way at the expense of the other individual’s opinion. Either way is an unhealthy conclusion that accomplishes very little for the group as a whole. 

   The best thing I could have done in the previously mentioned conflict was explain my reasoning to Beyoncé and then moved on. By not conceding she thought I was insulting her intelligence, and as a competitive person she felt the need to defend herself. If I had approached her without being condescending, the situation would have been dramatically different. Sometimes all you need to avoid a conflict is perspective, and to ask yourself if it is worth the battle. Over an issue as small as whether snow pours or not, I probably would have been better off letting it go. 

Oh, and by the way, snow definitely doesn’t pour. She’s still wrong about it.

COLLABORATION: High Assertiveness, High Cooperation (Hint - This is the best option)

   KYLA:    Back when I was a senior in high school, I was a sub editor for the yearbook. I was in charge of designing templates for the sport’s and club’s pages. Before I did anything too drastic, I had to have it approved by the rest of the yearbook editors. There were four of us total.  We had to have many meetings and make sure that we were all on the same page. Our main goal was to make sure the yearbook of 2008 was the best one our school had ever seen. It sure wasn’t easy, but we needed to use a collaborative conflict approach, so everyone would win.

   Even though, we could design our own templates for our pages, we also needed to keep in mind certain things that would show repetition throughout every page in the book. I remember when the editor-in-chief put a block on the senior picture pages, so only she could see them on the computer. It caused quite a ruckus with the rest of the class. I took her aside, and confronted her about the situation. She didn’t realize that it caused so much chaos, and said that she would change it immediately. Originally, she had wanted to surprise everyone after she was finished retouching the pictures and designing the pages. I told her that we were a democracy and even the head editors needed to have their pages reviewed. I was surprised as to how well she took my criticism. This was a win-win situation and, everyone was happy. The editor unlocked her pages, so they could be reviewed by the other editors and the staff was very pleased to be giving their input as well. 

Collaboration requires cooperation and assertive, yet positive communication, in order to get things accomplished in a harmonious manner.

STEP TWO: Learn how to work with other people based on how you deal with conflict!!

Sooooo, now that you know how YOU deal with conflict, USE IT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. Don't just sit around thinking, "So I know I'm an accommodator, and that's all I'll ever be." You can always grow and become better at dealing with people. Remember, the end goal of conflict is to come to a constructive solution, not give in to someone's demands or piss someone off. Stay cool, check how your'e reacting, and never ever ever give up!! And then this can be your reaction.